Monday, June 28, 2010

Do You Journal?

I recently seemed to step back in time with an old ritual I used to feel incomplete without: journaling. Once upon a time, my journals consisted of regular college-ruled notebooks with nothing fancy about them. I preferred these to the tiny decorative ones from bookstores because with the amount that I wrote, I didn't want to be flipping pages constantly and filling up the journal overnight! Within the pages of the plain notebooks, I'd work out everything I needed to. I weighed out the pros and cons of situations. I was free to even sketch out my option of selling everything and moving to New York City in 1992. I wrote down the crazy thoughts, the fun ones, the dreams, and the day to day things that could have otherwise been mundane or ignored. I did not want to have a day without my 100% honest journal.

After a number of occasions where my journal was read and used against me, I noticed that when I picked it up to write, I held back. I censored more than usual and wondered things like, "What if (so and so) reads this?" I wrote as if it were to be read by someone else, and that was when the magic had died.

As the years went on, I found some places online to journal. Password protected. Safe. There was something less powerful in typing though than in writing by hand. I could not put in my little doodles, hearts, smiles or make the swear words large and dark with lighting bolts around them. Black text on the white background. Not as much fun and I barely went back to ever read them again.

With my recent time posting lots of info on my personal life on YouTube, CCOR, and Facebook, I began to see that I really had a lot more to say.   In some ways, censoring did happen there as well for me when I told a bit of my story for that day. What about all the rest of the day? What about my real story?
I began to become aware of posting things to the Internet. I see the benefit in that sometimes and have enjoyed the experiences I've had with that in the past. What I did though was replace my whole story for the brief Internet version. In doing this, I've missed so much of my story. I've missed journaling and being exactly as I am without censoring or trying to be "better."

I recently read about making a vision board (yeah - another one!)  This made me think of journaling because the lady talking about the vision board said, "Take it down when you have company. Even if they are friends, you do not want others' energies in your vision." O_O When you post your truth on the Internet for all to share, it can be great... but isn't it true that you will then get responses and ideas and others' energies? If you are looking for advice, this may be great. If you are looking to discover your own voice and desires, this is an inner job.  I tend to get distracted with others' energies because I am not too strong at blocking that out just yet! 

I have since opted to sit out a few of my online "meeting" places for awhile for the pleasure of doing some inner discovering. My journal is a brand new college-ruled notebook. I purchased a pretty pen that I use exclusively for this journal. It is a ritual once again and it is fearless and uncensored. It is not for debate. Not for advice. Not for uncovering what I "need to work on." It is my story 100% and is for my own peace and confidence... lightning bolts, hearts and all.

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